坦率的说，我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里。为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了。我还把关于奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看，于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了。他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了。Stephen Colbert,给他记上。（Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人，总统总是拿他没办法）
So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert!

奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。而他也竟然接受了。怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。
And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. and he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.

我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者，我把你们看作是我的同行（也有贵族的意思）。因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章。我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了。因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的，所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫（唱反调）。”（美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh，发音和nay一样，nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人）我表达的很准确。
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on a newspaper can you see just like, "I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayer(nay-sayer)." My point exactly.

今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道，通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道（PBS的节目以主观著称，QVC则是购物频道）。如果我看了C-span还是睡不着，那还有C-span 2套和3套（C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道）。非常感谢！
And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much!

2008年，我正式成为了美国公民，为此我感到很高兴。谢谢。美国是最牛的。这是真的，因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛（只有美国、加拿大的球队参加。）
So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about. oh, Thank you very much! eh. America is number one! That's true! cause we won the World Series every year!

成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。这是他们的口号。（此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”。）
After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. You had me at "Guess we can". That was their slogan.

所以，当奥巴马成为总统的时候，我感觉到了一股力量，我自己在想，我是不是也应该去竞选总统！
So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.

好吧，我多解释一下。我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人。我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿。你可能确实做得不一样，但你真的很难说出来。
Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.
I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.

但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统。这给了我很大的希望。因为我一半不黑一半也不白。双重否定更加肯定。（，Obama母亲是白人，父亲是黑人移民）
But now we have a president who is half black half white.
That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

你或许会问：“嘿，那你的竞选口号是什么？”你看，过去的90年代里我度过了10年。什么，你也是？好吧。所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦。所以，我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”（此处又是Who-Hu的谐音，Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”。）
You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too? ok. So, I understand that American people are suffering.
So, my campaign slogan will be, "Who cares?" (Hu Cares)

如果我当选，我不但会让同性恋结婚合法，还会让它必须。
If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required!

这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票。你看我已经结婚了。但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的。我想：“哇，50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子。”
That will give me the youth vote. You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!"

我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业。所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事，就好像总统与副总统，又或者是Olsen姐妹（她们是双胞胎，一起演真人秀，一起设计服装）。
And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olson twins.

除去心脏病和癌症的因素，大多数美国人是自然死亡的。所以如果我当选，我会找出一种治愈自然死亡的疗法。你们看上去很喜欢这个。但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险，因为先前条款。
And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one. But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know. because of pre-existing conditions.

我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施。如果我当选了，我就把华氏改成摄氏。这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度。
And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees, now it's 40! You are very welcome!

我也很擅长外交政策，因为我来自中国。我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯！（这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”）。
And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.

我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。
I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I'll text our allies just to say "hi", and text our enemies when they are driving. "OMG you are building a nuclear weapon? but you're doing it wrong, LOL!"