It may be a cliché, but several years into my life in China it’s something that still vexes me to no end—splitting bills. For a lot of foreigners coming to China, this is Cultural Difference 101: Chinese usually treat each other to meals, while Westerns go Dutch. Within this system, I thought I’d gotten down all the rules and nuances; it was all pretty intuitive stuff:

1) Older pays for younger, men pay for women, asker pays for askee.

2) Nevertheless, whenever someone offers to pay the bill, fight them (physically if necessary) for the honor.

3) If you lose, you pick up the tab next time.

4) If someone says they have to “go to the bathroom” near the end of the meal, make sure they’re not sneaking over to pay the bill.

5) Feel free to split the bill if eating with coworkers or friends with whom you have an understanding.

But then, about a week ago, I found myself in an uncomfortable situation that nearly got me into a wrestling match. I was interviewing someone I’d just met and he suggested that we go out to a relatively expensive restaurant (it was five of us altogether, including a couple of his hometown buddies and my boyfriend). As we ordered, he kept insisting that we load on more appetizers and drinks. When the bill came, my interview subject had gone to the bathroom, and we gazed upon it in horror: it was nearly RMB800.

“Oh no,” my boyfriend looked stricken. “He’s trying to pay. Hurry, go with your card!”

I raced up to the counter waving my bank card. “Can I use this to pay?!” I cried desperately.

The waiter looked at me like a deer in headlines, then sprang into action. “I’ll go check!” he said. I waited around for a minute, and then I spotted my interview subject pulling out a credit card.

“No!” I said. “Let me!”

“I’ve got it,” he said, handing his card to the waiter.

“No, I should treat you,” I said, shaking the elbow of the waiter and trying to hand him my card. “You did me a favor by meeting me!”

“IT’S MY PLEASURE!” he roared, pushing my card away.

I went back to the table defeated, shrugging. As soon as I sat down, my boyfriend pressed a handful of cash into my hand. “Go,” he said.

There ensued another confrontation, which involved me shoving money in the guy’s face and him physically pushing me away. I tried to find a place in his clothing I could shove the cash, but to no avail—he was already signing the credit card slip. I went back to our table, humiliated and wondering if I’d done the right thing. Should I have tried harder? What are the rules with big bills or other gray area situations?

I consulted a group of Chinese colleagues to get the lowdown.